Hope for the hopeless.

I know I've always said I would beat this scleroderma, but right now, it's definitely winning. And the hardest thing about it is knowing that I have to trust God and have faith and know that He loves me, but I can't help feeling betrayed. God has the power to heal me and end all of this pain... so why won't He? He sees me cry almost every day and sees me struggle in pain to perform simple daily tasks, so why does He watch and do nothing? It kills me even more knowing that I have these selfish thoughts against my Father, but I just can't understand. Being in a hopeless situation hurts even more because I know that there is hope, but it's just not finding me.

So I searched on Google these words: "scleroderma fully healed", to see if there were cases like mine that did heal. One of the results was a Christian inspirational novel about a family who's young son was diagnosed with scleroderma and found healing through the Lord. This both gave me hope and frustrated me because they found answers and I haven't yet. The other result was a testimony about a woman who went through a series of wrong diagnoses, like me, and a rapid progression of the disease, again like me. The symptons and daily hardships she described were almost exactly like mine, and she found a treatment that worked for her and made most of the symptons go away. I went out on a limb and e-mailed her, explaining who I was, my situation, and how her testimony brought me hope. She replied, recommending a doctor who lives in Iowa, and asked me to give her a call so she could talk to me. I think I may take her up on that. But communicating with her, with what could possibly be the key to saving me, made me so emotional. I cried for an hour straight, and as I type this, I can't hold back my tears. This disease has taken so much from me, so much that I would never be willing to give had I been given a choice.

What makes what I'm going through so hard to bear is knowing that I have to face it alone. I mean, my friends are always here for me, my shoulders to lean on, my source of abandon and joy, but... no one understands. Not one of them know what I'm experiencing, they can't feel the pain I feel every time I move, they don't feel how hurt I feel every time I'm left behind because I can't walk fast enough because walking hurts. This isn't their problem, they shouldn't be burdened with it. I don't blame them. I envy them. With every fiber of my being, I wish I was like them. Something as simple and commonplace as being able to sit Indian-style on the floor is a luxury I watch people do all the time and I wish more than anything that I could sit on the floor with them. Be one of them, not the outsider who has to sit in a chair because her knees can't bend all the way, the freak who is handicapped at the age of seventeen, the one who always has to explain why she can't do certain things because no one can understand why.

I hate this. I feel nothing but hate and anger and pain. The pain rules my life, it controls everything. I'm afraid of being hugged, even touched, because I have become so fragile. I'm afraid of holding someone's hand or giving high five's because I know it will hurt, but I want to be normal, so I take the hand that's offered or high-five the person raising their hand to me, and I feel the pain that comes with it, but I hide it as best as I can because I don't want them to see me and my sickness. I want to be seen as just me and nothing else. No sickness, no pain, nothing that holds me back. No one can see, because then I'll be on the outside again, and all I want is to be normal. To be seen as normal. The word "normal" has never been so beautiful to me, and it's all I'll ever need. Why can't I have just that?

Surviving

I'm so happy it's November! I have a pretty packed month, mostly doctor appointments and stuff, but some fun stuff too! Like hopefully going to RenFest one of these weekends, and seeing "Into The Woods" at THS, and THANKSGIVING!! Love that holiday. I can't wait to make casseroles and mashed potatoes with my mom. It also brings up the memory of that one Thanksgiving Eve my sophomore year of high school where I had a "phone party" with Tim, Chelsey, Brooke S, and like ten other people and we stayed up on the phone until the sun rose on Thanksgiving morning. I only got 2 hours of sleep, but it was amazing nonetheless.

I started physical therapy on Tuesday and I have an appointment today and every Friday from here on out for the next month or so. It's kind of depressing that I'm seventeen and going to physical therapy, but I'm willing to try anything to escape this pain once and for all. I'm just so sick of living like this. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just die. If only I could be free of all this crap that's invading my body and just be normal again. It's going to be so hard and so painful, but I'm going to beat this.

On a lighter, less morbid note, APO Mafia Tag 2008 started and I'm proud to announce that I have not yet been killed. I haven't exactly killed my target yet either because he carries around a giant umbrella to shield himself with, that jerk, but I'll get him eventually. Ryan's been texting me updates on his whereabouts haha. Heather was set up by Darrel and J.R. and got killed yesterday... *moment of silence*. Oh, and my hit person tried to set me up today and I almost fell for it. They called me, pretending to be the Godfather, and arranged a duel in the UTC parking lot at 1:00. I agreed and went to Devin's to get his gun because it shoots much faster than mine. That's when we realized that the Godfather wouldn't have called me directly, because he's supposed to call the Don with all information regarding our family, so the person who called me was definitely not the Godfather and I was being set up. Then they called me again while I was at Devin's and "made a deal" with me. If I got Devin (the Don of our family) to tell the Godfather that my hit person has attempted to kill me, then my life would be spared. Apparently, he's too lazy to come after me himself and doesn't want to get assassinated by the Godfather (if you don't attempt to kill your target within 48 hours, the Godfather will send assassins after you). So basically, the duel was a trap that I almost fell into, and my hit person will probably get assassinated this weekend. Bahahaha! I love this game!

In other news, I'm going to Austin tomorrow with my mom to get acupuncture (I will try ANYTHING) and I'm actually really excited because I found out that there's a Wienerschnitzel in Austin! I miss their chili cheese fries so much! Whoa there, fatty.

Anyway, I'm skipping English AND Math today for the Mafia Tag, which should prove how intense and life-consuming this silly game really is, but I'm having so much fun!

Love.

Procrastination

I should be studying for my History test which takes place in three hours, but I'm just the worst procrastinator. This week has gone by fairly quickly. It's only Thursday, but I didn't expect it to be here so soon. Laundry and maintenance for Raven Rep 2 hasn't been as tedious as I expected. I'm actually learning to enjoy costume crew. Weird!

Theater was cancelled today. Which means I just woke up about ten minutes ago. Heather, Chris, and I went to Ryan's apartment last night and I watched Pride and Prejudice, the one with Keira Knightley, for the first time. It was glorious! Not only was the acting to die for, the movie itself was just so artistic and well made and beautiful. I'm glad I saw it. After the movie, we all crashed for about half an hour with the TV on, but I had to come back to my room so I could study in the morning (and look where that got me haha)

Before that, Ryan took us to Starbucks and confused the crap out of the people working there by ordering two specialty drinks that he invented, both of which are extremely complicated. It was so much fun, despite the sudden drop in temperature outside. And I finally have the "Bare" soundtrack, which Ryan burned for all three of us, so I'm excited.

Things to do this weekend: Go to my brother's "birthday dinner". Take my brother shopping for his birthday. Buy several solid colored shirts from Michael's for my comedy scene in theater. Go costume shopping. ......I think that's it. Woot for having a plan!

Where to start?

Hello there! Wow I really don't know what I'm hoping to accomplish by starting one of these, but I used to blog on Xanga (years and years ago) and I kinda miss it. So maybe this will give me the chance to get out some emotion, positive or negative, and just share what's going on in my life and my commentary on all of it.

So its 10:45 p.m. and I just got back from the library computer lab with Kate and Laura, and we were just writing our papers for Theater last minute, although I swear we were on Facebook half the time haha. I'm loving it at SHSU. That wasn't the case a month ago, though. I was so completely and utterly homesick the first week of school I cried myself to sleep every night. What a loser, right? But now, I'm quite content with the friends I've made and the activities I'm getting involved in. And my fiercesome foursome, who could forget... Kate, Heather, and Devin! (and me, that's four, yeah). They're the coolest, and keep me company whenever I need someone to talk to or eat lunch/dinner with! I love them!

I'm also excited about pledging Alpha Psi Omega, and the friends I'm making there! Most of them I knew already from my theater class, but I'm mostly excited about the activities and getting involved finally, and I did meet the nicest upperclassmen ever, Ryan C, and he's super cool and I'm glad we're friends. That was a longgg sentence.

Halloween's coming up!! Devin's supposed to take our foursome costume shopping since he's the only one of us with a car, but I'm so looking forward to that. But where do you buy costumes in Huntsville? Don't tell me Wal-mart.

My roommate always talks on the phone to her boyfriend till the wee hours of night, and it keeps me from getting as much sleep as I would like. Makes me burn on the inside, basically. I listen to my iPod to block her out, but it doesn't always work. I cannot wait to get an apartment next year, with Hillary, Janette, and possibly Heather. And my bunny that I'm going to get, and love, once we get an apartment. So many things to look forward to.

This is a really long blog, but I have more to talk about. I saw Ryan, Tim, and Joe this past weekend (Hillary was there too), and it just renewed how much I miss and love them. They're my best friends ever and college was hard at first primarily because I was away from them. If they're reading this (which they're most likely not) I want them to know how much I love them forever and ever!!! <3

Okay this is too long. Have a good night!!