Not me.

This post is going to be slightly emo, but I'll do you a favor by starting off on a happy note. There are less than two weeks left of school before finals week, in which I have ONE FINAL by the way, so life is good in that area. Summer is almost here, and all I want to do is use the time to rest. Because I'm exhausted.

My mood has been a freaking roller coaster these past couple of weeks. I mean, I have my days, but I thought I had accepted it and was determined to just enjoy life and be happy with what I have right now. But... there's always "but". But I've just been a little stressed out, and in the midst of all that stress came the wave of self-pity and loathing. It just happens sometimes, and I don't like it. It's these specific low periods that I honestly just want to lay down my load, close my eyes and just leave it. And I hate myself for it. For actually allowing myself to believe that dying would be the easy way out. That's just how I feel right now, because I'm just so tired of fighting this fight. 

It's impossible to describe in words what this is doing to me, but I wish so much that I could explain. Because I need so badly to get it off my shoulders, for someone to be able to understand, for someone to relate. I just want someone to know what the hell I'm going through so that I won't be alone in this battle anymore. I hate this feeling of being trapped in my own body, of refusing to believe that this battered body belongs to me. That I was chosen to bear the burden of this defective product. I need God, but I feel so forsaken. What made Him think that I could handle this? I'm obviously not handling it. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, my hand will twitch out of reflex and such a simple action will send a jolt of pain down my entire arm, and it's just those tiny situations that serve as constant reminders of my misfortune. Misfortune? I don't know what to call it. Condemnation. Curse. Punishment for whatever horrible things I've done in the past. I find myself in bed twelve to fifteen hours every day, trying to sleep even when I'm not tired, just so I won't have to be in pain.

My friends have been really supportive and careful with me, which I appreciate so much. If I'm lucky, they'll slow down for me or even help me achieve daily tasks before I have the chance to embarrass myself by failing at simple tasks like opening a door or picking something up off the floor. Goodness, I feel so pathetic. But what I don't understand is when friends who know how fragile I am and how easily I hurt will be aggressive with me anyway. It makes me angry, at them for being insensitive and at myself for being so fragile in the first place. But it just makes me want to ask them if they hate me or if they're just sadistic to begin with. But I guess I can't blame them entirely, because they'll never be able to feel it for themselves. No one really understands why I can't do so many things, but it's enough that they nod their heads and try to help me out. 

I hate being this person. The person who can't.

Spring Break 2009

So for spring break, the usual five decided to go on a road trip to Lake Travis, our usual chosen destination for spring break road trips. Well, Ryan's mom recently rented a three-story condo with her new fiance and so we had somewhere nice to stay this time, instead of sleeping outside and getting raided by critters in the middle of the night. Yay. But wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. We couldn't leave Tomball until Friday night because Joe's spring break is the week after ours, and he had to fly back, while Ryan felt the need to spend his only real day home from spring break with his dad. So after we got everyone dispersed into three cars (Ryan, his younger sister and brother, and Joe rode in his car; Hillary and I rode in her car; & Tim and Ryan's brother Matt rode in Tim's truck), we hit the road... at 9 in the PM. 

Ryan was leading, with Hillary behind him and Tim behind us. With the weather and visibility bad enough because of the rain and, um, dark, it was pretty nerve-wracking trying to follow Ryan's pitch black car. About an hour into it, we're doing pretty well when Ryan doesn't see the Austin exit until the very last second and cuts across three lanes to get to it in time. Well, when Hillary tries to do the same, we realize that there's a white van in the lane we have to cross and end up violently cutting him off. And when we get to the exit lane, already sort of out-of-control due to the fast lane changes, Hillary's car completely hydroplanes on a giant puddle and we swerve around for a few life-changing seconds. Needless to say, a major freak-out ensued, especially when we looked behind us to see Tim's truck spun in the opposite direction. Tim called and said he was okay, he just needed to straighten out, and at the next gas station, we all got out to hug and celebrate our survival. God was with us.

We recovered and got back on the road. The next two hours weren't bad. Hillary and I jammed out to our old favorites and the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack. We finally got to Ryan's mom's place, which was beautiful beyond belief, and sleeping arrangements were made and pictures were taken and Mario Kart was played. I just watched, because there were only four controllers anyway and I suck hardcore at Mario Kart. It was still fun togetherness, and we didn't go to sleep until around 3 AM. 

I slept through the night for the first time in months that night, and awoke to the smell of breakfast! Hillary and I went downstairs to eat, discover that all the boys were still asleep, and pretty much just wait for them to wake up so the day can start. We decide to spend the day on the town and leave to an outdoor outlet mall Ryan's mom had mentioned. (By the way, throughout this entire eventful day, I left my camera at the condo! GAH!) Anyway, when we get to the outlet, we realize that there's a Barnes & Nobles, the same Barnes & Nobles we had taken refuge at last spring break when it rained on us at camp! Funny stuff. We walked around, didn't buy anything, and since Joe really wanted to see "Taken" in theaters, we ate lunch and saw the movie (the second time for me and Hillary, but it was still awesome). After the movie, we went to Barnes & Nobles, where we didn't really read but rather sat in the Starbucks and talked. Oh, and we ran into Ryan's family there.

Then... the five of us decided to drive to downtown Austin, mainly to walk around 6th street. There were some super awesome little shops there. There was this hat store with super funky hats. We all picked our favorites and took a group picture. 

And there was this vintage music-themed shop with all this cool jewelry and artwork and there was this cat that looked just like my cat walking around the store!! I was sold. Then we visited the capital building, ate dinner at a bar, and drove back to the condo. At the condo, we played the Game of LIFE. I won. 

Before bed, we watched "The Pianist" (super depressing but super good). Then we went to bed, woke up, and had to depart. Sad day. Hillary, Joe, and I were all returning to Tomball while Ryan and Tim were to return to Waco later that day. The trip back wasn't bad. We missed the highway exit a couple of times because my GPS isn't updated and therefore confused, but we got breakfast at Sonic and it was smooth sailing from there. It was a great spring break. Oh! And I made my Montage #7: Spring Break 2009. Freaky thing is, my Montage #6 was done exactly one year ago, during spring break, at Lake Travis, with the same people (except for Nick and Austin). Everyone looks so different! Well, here's the latest montage. Enjoy.

Destination: Shawnee, OK

I think it's safe to say that this weekend was wonderful. Tim and I had been planning a road trip up to Oklahoma Baptist University to see our Joseph for several weeks now, and it finally happened, and it was phenomenal. 

My dad picked me up from SHSU at 12:30p.m. and we drove the 2 and a half hours to Baylor. Tim introduced me to his friends there, and Ryan came to say hi and see us off. Then Tim took his 5-hour energy shot and we were on our way. He experienced a couple of funky chemical reactions due to the crazy energy shot, but it worked for the most part. We listened to pretty much every CD in his CD wallet, and reminisced on all of the awesome times we've had together as a group, basically coming to the conclusion that our group of five was the coolest group of best friends known to mankind. Can't fight the love. When it got dark, we stopped at a Taco Bell to eat, and kept on remembering all of our fun times, which we never seemed to run out of now that I think about it. Back on the road, we finally entered Oklahoma and Tim tried to stay behind a certain truck that seemed really good at weaving in and out of traffic, but I think he noticed us tailing him and he succeeded in losing us. Shucks. Joe kept calling us for updates on where we were, while Tim and I noticed a lunar eclipse happening and almost saw it eclipse completely until the clouds got in our line of vision. When we finally reached OBU, Joe ran out into the street and attacked Tim's truck, then clambered in and directed us the rest of the way. It was all joyful screaming by then.

Joe led the way into his dorm building, where the lobby was packed full of his friends waiting to greet us. It was a nice welcome. After meeting everybody and checking out Joe's room, we all ventured outside looking for something do to. In a small town like Shawnee, "you have to make your own fun", as Joe puts it. After aimlessly wandering outside in the freezing cold, picking up friends here and there, we finally settled on getting out of the cold and playing Catch Phrase. One of the highlights of the trip was sitting on the couch in one of the lobbies with Joe and Tim on either side, just talking and laughing like we used to. It was so happy! At around 1 a.m., we went to IHOP and that's when I began to crash. The three of us shared the appetizer sampler, and I almost fell asleep on the table numerous times. Tim also found a new friend in Beth, the girl who relentlessly gave him foot massages on request. Poor thing.

After sleeping in and waking up just in time for lunch, Joe took us to Bricktown to see Slumdog Millionaire. Well, the movie was basically for him and his friends, since Tim and I had already seen it, but it was so good that heck, we'll see it again! I mainly wanted Joe and his girlfriend Savannah to see it because they just came back from a month-long trip to India, and I think that affected their view point on the movie quite a lot. Then Joe attempted to give us a tour of Shawnee but got lost in the process, and we retreated back to his room where Tim serenaded us on his guitar and I fell asleep for a good hour or so. Then dinner, and a basketball game. OBU won. The other team had these twin asians playing and Tim kept trying to insult them from the stands. That was funny.

The next morning, the three of us went to an early lunch at the Cracker Barrel, then said our goodbyes at a gas station. It was so depressing. We hugged for a good ten minutes before Tim finally pulled out and began heading home. The gas station was sold out of 5-hour energy shots, so he bought a Monster instead. When we stopped in Dallas to have an early dinner with Chelsey at Cheesecake factory, Tim was beginning to crash from the aftermath of the Monster energy drink. Seeing Chelsey was fun. We've been best friends since freshman year and it's almost hard to believe that our friendship has hardly changed after all this time away from each other. She took us to her apartment after dinner and we just relaxed for a while. Tim left eventually and Chelsey and I started watching "50 First Dates" until my dad came to truck me back to Huntsville. 

I love my friends. They make life amazing.

Handlebars

I just realized what a pouty little brat I am. All I do is sit on my lazy butt and whine about the things I can't do, the little extra difficulty involved in daily tasks, the annoying but bearable pain my body has to deal with. It was always "why me?" all the time.  

I just had the greatest day with my old high school family: Ryan, Hillary, and Tim (Joe's part of it, too, but he's in India at the moment). These four got me through the best and worse times of high school, and right now, they're seeing me through the hardest time of my life. We went to the Houston Zoo and saw and laughed at all the funny animals, took pictures, and I almost forgot about my scleroderma. Of course I could never forget it's there, but it hardly mattered as I was with people that I knew wouldn't judge me and who loved me before the scleroderma, and who love me now with the scleroderma. I'm no different in their eyes with or without the disease. After the zoo, we got stuck in traffic on the way home, so we listened to Enya and Josh Groban and the traffic flew by. 

We went to BJ's for dinner and Hillary gorged herself in the spinach artichoke dip and felt bad about it afterwards. Tim had a pazookie for the first time and we all fought over the ice cream and cookie because the four of us had to share one little tiny delicious pazookie. Hillary and I shared a giant stuffed baked potato and I don't remember what Ryan got but we were all a little jealous because it looked absolutely amazing. 

After that, we stopped by Redbox and rented Pineapple Express, which we didn't even get to watch because we got way too distracted playing Mario Kart and making music videos. We went to my room and made absolutely crazy music videos to "Hide and Seek" by Imogen Heap, "He Lives In You" from The Lion King, and "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson, using props like a honey jar, a styrofoam noodle, and a pool table triangle. 

This was the last time the four of us would be together as a group until Spring Break as Tim and Ryan are going back to Baylor and me and Hillary return to SHSU, but that day absolutely made my Christmas Break. It was just a complete day spent with the people I love and trust and value like family. Then I realized just how lucky I am, no matter how often I like to think otherwise. Yes, I'm in a rough point in my life, but God has a plan. I may be in the sucky part of the plan right now, but He's not making me face it alone. I have these guys. I know without a doubt that He sent them to me to help me through this, and He knows what He's doing. They're keeping me alive. They're like my handlebars, keeping me balanced and focused and safe, as I ride through the obstacles God placed to make me stronger.

2009

Recover. Rehabilitate. 

These are my new year's resolutions. 

Hope for the hopeless.

I know I've always said I would beat this scleroderma, but right now, it's definitely winning. And the hardest thing about it is knowing that I have to trust God and have faith and know that He loves me, but I can't help feeling betrayed. God has the power to heal me and end all of this pain... so why won't He? He sees me cry almost every day and sees me struggle in pain to perform simple daily tasks, so why does He watch and do nothing? It kills me even more knowing that I have these selfish thoughts against my Father, but I just can't understand. Being in a hopeless situation hurts even more because I know that there is hope, but it's just not finding me.

So I searched on Google these words: "scleroderma fully healed", to see if there were cases like mine that did heal. One of the results was a Christian inspirational novel about a family who's young son was diagnosed with scleroderma and found healing through the Lord. This both gave me hope and frustrated me because they found answers and I haven't yet. The other result was a testimony about a woman who went through a series of wrong diagnoses, like me, and a rapid progression of the disease, again like me. The symptons and daily hardships she described were almost exactly like mine, and she found a treatment that worked for her and made most of the symptons go away. I went out on a limb and e-mailed her, explaining who I was, my situation, and how her testimony brought me hope. She replied, recommending a doctor who lives in Iowa, and asked me to give her a call so she could talk to me. I think I may take her up on that. But communicating with her, with what could possibly be the key to saving me, made me so emotional. I cried for an hour straight, and as I type this, I can't hold back my tears. This disease has taken so much from me, so much that I would never be willing to give had I been given a choice.

What makes what I'm going through so hard to bear is knowing that I have to face it alone. I mean, my friends are always here for me, my shoulders to lean on, my source of abandon and joy, but... no one understands. Not one of them know what I'm experiencing, they can't feel the pain I feel every time I move, they don't feel how hurt I feel every time I'm left behind because I can't walk fast enough because walking hurts. This isn't their problem, they shouldn't be burdened with it. I don't blame them. I envy them. With every fiber of my being, I wish I was like them. Something as simple and commonplace as being able to sit Indian-style on the floor is a luxury I watch people do all the time and I wish more than anything that I could sit on the floor with them. Be one of them, not the outsider who has to sit in a chair because her knees can't bend all the way, the freak who is handicapped at the age of seventeen, the one who always has to explain why she can't do certain things because no one can understand why.

I hate this. I feel nothing but hate and anger and pain. The pain rules my life, it controls everything. I'm afraid of being hugged, even touched, because I have become so fragile. I'm afraid of holding someone's hand or giving high five's because I know it will hurt, but I want to be normal, so I take the hand that's offered or high-five the person raising their hand to me, and I feel the pain that comes with it, but I hide it as best as I can because I don't want them to see me and my sickness. I want to be seen as just me and nothing else. No sickness, no pain, nothing that holds me back. No one can see, because then I'll be on the outside again, and all I want is to be normal. To be seen as normal. The word "normal" has never been so beautiful to me, and it's all I'll ever need. Why can't I have just that?

Surviving

I'm so happy it's November! I have a pretty packed month, mostly doctor appointments and stuff, but some fun stuff too! Like hopefully going to RenFest one of these weekends, and seeing "Into The Woods" at THS, and THANKSGIVING!! Love that holiday. I can't wait to make casseroles and mashed potatoes with my mom. It also brings up the memory of that one Thanksgiving Eve my sophomore year of high school where I had a "phone party" with Tim, Chelsey, Brooke S, and like ten other people and we stayed up on the phone until the sun rose on Thanksgiving morning. I only got 2 hours of sleep, but it was amazing nonetheless.

I started physical therapy on Tuesday and I have an appointment today and every Friday from here on out for the next month or so. It's kind of depressing that I'm seventeen and going to physical therapy, but I'm willing to try anything to escape this pain once and for all. I'm just so sick of living like this. Sometimes I think it'd be easier to just die. If only I could be free of all this crap that's invading my body and just be normal again. It's going to be so hard and so painful, but I'm going to beat this.

On a lighter, less morbid note, APO Mafia Tag 2008 started and I'm proud to announce that I have not yet been killed. I haven't exactly killed my target yet either because he carries around a giant umbrella to shield himself with, that jerk, but I'll get him eventually. Ryan's been texting me updates on his whereabouts haha. Heather was set up by Darrel and J.R. and got killed yesterday... *moment of silence*. Oh, and my hit person tried to set me up today and I almost fell for it. They called me, pretending to be the Godfather, and arranged a duel in the UTC parking lot at 1:00. I agreed and went to Devin's to get his gun because it shoots much faster than mine. That's when we realized that the Godfather wouldn't have called me directly, because he's supposed to call the Don with all information regarding our family, so the person who called me was definitely not the Godfather and I was being set up. Then they called me again while I was at Devin's and "made a deal" with me. If I got Devin (the Don of our family) to tell the Godfather that my hit person has attempted to kill me, then my life would be spared. Apparently, he's too lazy to come after me himself and doesn't want to get assassinated by the Godfather (if you don't attempt to kill your target within 48 hours, the Godfather will send assassins after you). So basically, the duel was a trap that I almost fell into, and my hit person will probably get assassinated this weekend. Bahahaha! I love this game!

In other news, I'm going to Austin tomorrow with my mom to get acupuncture (I will try ANYTHING) and I'm actually really excited because I found out that there's a Wienerschnitzel in Austin! I miss their chili cheese fries so much! Whoa there, fatty.

Anyway, I'm skipping English AND Math today for the Mafia Tag, which should prove how intense and life-consuming this silly game really is, but I'm having so much fun!

Love.