It's a perfectly beautiful sunny day to end the snow blizzard that befell Huntsville just two days ago. Not that the snow wasn't beautiful and fun, but the overall mood was just dreary and wet. I feel like this sudden sunburst reflects my life right now, as corny and dramatic as that sounds. Last week was horrible, and this week was just the lift I needed to make up for it. This week was amazing, to say the least. Nothing extraordinary or life-altering transpired, but there was just a lot of joy and friendship to be experienced. Contentment is the greatest wealth.
You're probably super bored of hearing about my scleroderma, and I do not blame you, but I'll say it anyway. Another change I've experienced in myself partly by reading old blog entries is that I haven't had a poutful, whiney day in conjunction with being sick in a long time. And usually those come every couple of weeks or so. But nope! Who's a happy panda? Me.
I feel like so much growth has taken place in me over the past two years, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. The empathy and perspective that has come out of this is priceless, and continues to better my life each and every day.
God works in mysterious ways. He really, really does.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
86,400 seconds
It's amazing to go back and read the first posts in this blog, and see how much my priorities have changed since then. My outlook on life is dramatically, ridiculously changed. If you went back in time and told the person that I was back then that in a year, I'd see scleroderma as the biggest blessing, I'd laugh at you. Well, maybe not laugh. I might've hit you.
I can't believe it's taken me until age 18 to realize how important it is to live like I'm dying. It's ironic that I actually had to reach the point of near death to finally wake up and start living. In high school, I was so insecure and so easily wavered by the opinions of others. Now, although I'm still conscious of other's opinions of me, I'm proud of the person I am and it's very hard to shake that now that I know who I am. Finally. It's no longer important to me to be the trendiest person, or the most popular, or the smartest. I'm a good person, and that's the most important thing I think you can be.
This week has been such a rocky, emotional rollercoaster, but the cool thing about my newfound self-assurance is that I know what the right thing to do is and if I stick with that, it always ends well. I've been really stressed out these past few days, and my mom keeps telling me to stop caring about these things that bother me, that they'll worsen my condition. She's right; my illness was stress-induced in the first place. But to not care? That is so much easier said than done for me. Sensitivity is my main attribute, and sometimes it works against me, but I'd rather live a short life having cared than live a long, unfulfilled life in which I didn't. I'm so sensitive that it made me sick, but look where being sick has gotten me. I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I've never been so sure of who I am and what I need to do than I am right now.
Tomorrow, Brooke and I are hopefully taking a road trip to Baylor, but Tim's partied out and is sick now so he might not feel up to it. I really hope we get to go. I miss Tim and Ryan like no one's business. And I really need this getaway. Like, really.
I can't believe it's taken me until age 18 to realize how important it is to live like I'm dying. It's ironic that I actually had to reach the point of near death to finally wake up and start living. In high school, I was so insecure and so easily wavered by the opinions of others. Now, although I'm still conscious of other's opinions of me, I'm proud of the person I am and it's very hard to shake that now that I know who I am. Finally. It's no longer important to me to be the trendiest person, or the most popular, or the smartest. I'm a good person, and that's the most important thing I think you can be.
This week has been such a rocky, emotional rollercoaster, but the cool thing about my newfound self-assurance is that I know what the right thing to do is and if I stick with that, it always ends well. I've been really stressed out these past few days, and my mom keeps telling me to stop caring about these things that bother me, that they'll worsen my condition. She's right; my illness was stress-induced in the first place. But to not care? That is so much easier said than done for me. Sensitivity is my main attribute, and sometimes it works against me, but I'd rather live a short life having cared than live a long, unfulfilled life in which I didn't. I'm so sensitive that it made me sick, but look where being sick has gotten me. I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I've never been so sure of who I am and what I need to do than I am right now.
Tomorrow, Brooke and I are hopefully taking a road trip to Baylor, but Tim's partied out and is sick now so he might not feel up to it. I really hope we get to go. I miss Tim and Ryan like no one's business. And I really need this getaway. Like, really.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Fearless
It's fun to do things, just do things without thinking them over very much. Not knowing how consequential they'll be down the road, and frankly, not caring so much. It's fun to live life without a backwards glance, eyes fixed straight ahead, not on the goal, but on the landmarks of the journey.
It's fun.
Two words that describe my life perfectly right now. I feel more alive now than I ever did before. I feel fearless, and I'm making a point to tackle every opportunity that comes my way. I can't believe how much I held back before I realized how precious life is. There used to be a distinct separation between the person I was and the person I wanted to be. That wall is quickly being torn down, and with every brick that comes loose, I feel better and better. Why was I letting that separation happen before? Why was I holding so much back? Most importantly, why was I so afraid to just live instead of think all the time? Man, I hesitated so much. I missed out on even more because of it. I'm doing things now and planning things now that I never dreamed would be in store for me. It's such an amazing feeling, the best high ever.
Anyway, I'm typing this in the radio office. Did I mention I was on management for the radio station this semester? It keeps me busy, which is also new to me... being busy. But I enjoy being busy, which I never thought could happen but it has. I have office hours every day, but there's not a lot of work to do right now. Oh yeah, and I got a fourth roommate. Her name's Melissa and she's pretty cool. She has this ADORABLE tiny little dog named Duke, and he's just precious.
Upcoming events: My dad and I are trying out this Turkish restaurant this weekend that I really wanted to go to. Me and Brooke are road-tripping to Baylor next weekend to see Ryan and Tim!!!! Omg so excited! And I got the job at TADW!!!!!!!!!! So I'll be working there this summer and staying with Lynn, and we're going to try to get tickets to the Ellen show with Trang, and when Trang comes to visit, we're also most likely taking her to Disneyland. Best summer ever? I think so.
It's fun.
Two words that describe my life perfectly right now. I feel more alive now than I ever did before. I feel fearless, and I'm making a point to tackle every opportunity that comes my way. I can't believe how much I held back before I realized how precious life is. There used to be a distinct separation between the person I was and the person I wanted to be. That wall is quickly being torn down, and with every brick that comes loose, I feel better and better. Why was I letting that separation happen before? Why was I holding so much back? Most importantly, why was I so afraid to just live instead of think all the time? Man, I hesitated so much. I missed out on even more because of it. I'm doing things now and planning things now that I never dreamed would be in store for me. It's such an amazing feeling, the best high ever.
Anyway, I'm typing this in the radio office. Did I mention I was on management for the radio station this semester? It keeps me busy, which is also new to me... being busy. But I enjoy being busy, which I never thought could happen but it has. I have office hours every day, but there's not a lot of work to do right now. Oh yeah, and I got a fourth roommate. Her name's Melissa and she's pretty cool. She has this ADORABLE tiny little dog named Duke, and he's just precious.
Upcoming events: My dad and I are trying out this Turkish restaurant this weekend that I really wanted to go to. Me and Brooke are road-tripping to Baylor next weekend to see Ryan and Tim!!!! Omg so excited! And I got the job at TADW!!!!!!!!!! So I'll be working there this summer and staying with Lynn, and we're going to try to get tickets to the Ellen show with Trang, and when Trang comes to visit, we're also most likely taking her to Disneyland. Best summer ever? I think so.
